This struck a cord: "Where does self-defense end and violence begin? Am I even allowed to fight back? I wrestled with both of these questions as I simultaneously tried to wrestle back my freedom from my abuser."
You were hardly alone in that struggle. Even for those of us who were abused outside of a patriarchal religious environment, when the abuser is someone close to you, in my case a family member, that line is difficult to navigate, particularly for a child or adolescent raised being told that violence is always wrong but never with the thought to mention self-defense. I remember thinking, "How badly do I hurt him in order to make it stop, without becoming an abuser, too?". Turns out that I hurt him just enough. But I still felt guilty, having never been violent with anyone, out of self-defence or otherwise. Years later, therapists would tell me that I should be proud of myself for taking calculated action to protect myself and establish new boundaries. I didn't feel proud. I still don't. I know that it was necessary for my survival, but I take no joy in that. To this day I still push away that pang of guilt when I think of 12-year-old me defending myself. In spite of this, I have taught my children that you fight as hard as you have to and inflict as much injury as is necessary to get away from anyone attempting to assault you. In the case of one of my children, it may well have saved her life. But still, the emotional and the logical don't always agree when it comes to oneself.
Indoctrination occurs in cases of repeated SA within families, also. Words are weaponized, threats made, harmful values instilled secrecy demanded, cooperation is non-negotiable. That much we have in common. To live that not only as an individual, but with your whole community telling you to forsake your own rights and needs in order to forgive someone who has harmed you greatly and suffered no consequence is unfathomable to me. Thank you for helping me understand this perspective.
Sadly, all of my abusers were familial connections. I totally get what you’re saying! I struggled with that at the beginning as well. How do you switch your brain from loving someone and feeling safe with them to what is happening & do you cause harm or how much?
Precisely. I caused enough harm that it scared him, enough harm that he probably needed medical attention, but couldn't get it because what would he say? I caused enough harm that he understood I would never tolerate it again. Yet there is still to this day that pang of guilt. And he still continued with passive aggressive threats on my mother's life that she would not pick up on, but he knew that I would. She was always the threat and she genuinely did not know. You tell, I'll kill her. I ended up leaving home at 15, spent time on the streets, crashed on countless couches. It was not a life that I would want for anyone. I reconnected with my mother once I learned that she had divorced him. I told her when I was in my 20s and undergoing intensive therapy. I took him to court, civil court, sued him for enough money to get an education – but the most important part was to get the power back, to let him know I was not afraid, even though inside my chest someone was shaking a can of soda and I'm sure my hands were trembling when I served his boss with the court papers for him and told him exactly what they were about. And although I won, there were no real repercussions for him. It was civil court, so no jail time, no record as a sex offender. It did not affect his career. In fact, he went on to be very prominent in his field. This has helped me track his whereabouts all these years. It's been about 27 years since I have seen him. And every once in a while, I consider reaching out before he's no longer on this planet and wonders if I'll regret it if I don't. I can never explain this to people without them thinking I'm completely mad.
Thank you for explaining the pacifist religious environment. And using your trauma for the good of others. I am sorry for the abuse you suffered. How perplexing to grow up wrestling with the idea of self defense as sin!
I thought that Anabaptist churches were safer than the evangelical environments (SBC). You have helped me see that whatever the structure the powerful will corrode it to their own ends.
How do we build a Christian community without this abuse? Is it patriarchy as the root problem or something else? Maybe there is no formula that makes a place 100% safe, but what is the best we can do as His children?
Sadly, the more conservative & isolated, the more systemic and generational abuse - and no one reported.
Good questions. I tend to believe the more we put people into categories that act as a caste system of value, the more abuse will prevail. Whether it be patriarchal, racist, lgbtq+, mental health, chronic illness - etc, etc.
As a survivor, I look for three things in a church. Truly egalitarian, anti-racist, lgbtq+ affirming. (Although, I understand lgbtq+ is a newer issue to many churches & sometimes requires grace as they grow.)
Also, how clearly do they communicate? If you find a lot of passive-aggressive communication, you’ll find abuse is more likely to not be dealt with in a clear & healthy way. Speaking truth in love doesn’t mean diminish it by sugar-coating. ‘In love’ speaks to the heart, not to judgement nor being unclear.
Let me think on these questions, and maybe I’ll address them in a Substack. But it does beg the question to be answered of how to make things safer.
This struck a cord: "Where does self-defense end and violence begin? Am I even allowed to fight back? I wrestled with both of these questions as I simultaneously tried to wrestle back my freedom from my abuser."
You were hardly alone in that struggle. Even for those of us who were abused outside of a patriarchal religious environment, when the abuser is someone close to you, in my case a family member, that line is difficult to navigate, particularly for a child or adolescent raised being told that violence is always wrong but never with the thought to mention self-defense. I remember thinking, "How badly do I hurt him in order to make it stop, without becoming an abuser, too?". Turns out that I hurt him just enough. But I still felt guilty, having never been violent with anyone, out of self-defence or otherwise. Years later, therapists would tell me that I should be proud of myself for taking calculated action to protect myself and establish new boundaries. I didn't feel proud. I still don't. I know that it was necessary for my survival, but I take no joy in that. To this day I still push away that pang of guilt when I think of 12-year-old me defending myself. In spite of this, I have taught my children that you fight as hard as you have to and inflict as much injury as is necessary to get away from anyone attempting to assault you. In the case of one of my children, it may well have saved her life. But still, the emotional and the logical don't always agree when it comes to oneself.
Indoctrination occurs in cases of repeated SA within families, also. Words are weaponized, threats made, harmful values instilled secrecy demanded, cooperation is non-negotiable. That much we have in common. To live that not only as an individual, but with your whole community telling you to forsake your own rights and needs in order to forgive someone who has harmed you greatly and suffered no consequence is unfathomable to me. Thank you for helping me understand this perspective.
Sadly, all of my abusers were familial connections. I totally get what you’re saying! I struggled with that at the beginning as well. How do you switch your brain from loving someone and feeling safe with them to what is happening & do you cause harm or how much?
Precisely. I caused enough harm that it scared him, enough harm that he probably needed medical attention, but couldn't get it because what would he say? I caused enough harm that he understood I would never tolerate it again. Yet there is still to this day that pang of guilt. And he still continued with passive aggressive threats on my mother's life that she would not pick up on, but he knew that I would. She was always the threat and she genuinely did not know. You tell, I'll kill her. I ended up leaving home at 15, spent time on the streets, crashed on countless couches. It was not a life that I would want for anyone. I reconnected with my mother once I learned that she had divorced him. I told her when I was in my 20s and undergoing intensive therapy. I took him to court, civil court, sued him for enough money to get an education – but the most important part was to get the power back, to let him know I was not afraid, even though inside my chest someone was shaking a can of soda and I'm sure my hands were trembling when I served his boss with the court papers for him and told him exactly what they were about. And although I won, there were no real repercussions for him. It was civil court, so no jail time, no record as a sex offender. It did not affect his career. In fact, he went on to be very prominent in his field. This has helped me track his whereabouts all these years. It's been about 27 years since I have seen him. And every once in a while, I consider reaching out before he's no longer on this planet and wonders if I'll regret it if I don't. I can never explain this to people without them thinking I'm completely mad.
Thank you for explaining the pacifist religious environment. And using your trauma for the good of others. I am sorry for the abuse you suffered. How perplexing to grow up wrestling with the idea of self defense as sin!
I thought that Anabaptist churches were safer than the evangelical environments (SBC). You have helped me see that whatever the structure the powerful will corrode it to their own ends.
How do we build a Christian community without this abuse? Is it patriarchy as the root problem or something else? Maybe there is no formula that makes a place 100% safe, but what is the best we can do as His children?
Sadly, the more conservative & isolated, the more systemic and generational abuse - and no one reported.
Good questions. I tend to believe the more we put people into categories that act as a caste system of value, the more abuse will prevail. Whether it be patriarchal, racist, lgbtq+, mental health, chronic illness - etc, etc.
As a survivor, I look for three things in a church. Truly egalitarian, anti-racist, lgbtq+ affirming. (Although, I understand lgbtq+ is a newer issue to many churches & sometimes requires grace as they grow.)
Also, how clearly do they communicate? If you find a lot of passive-aggressive communication, you’ll find abuse is more likely to not be dealt with in a clear & healthy way. Speaking truth in love doesn’t mean diminish it by sugar-coating. ‘In love’ speaks to the heart, not to judgement nor being unclear.
Let me think on these questions, and maybe I’ll address them in a Substack. But it does beg the question to be answered of how to make things safer.